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Four Types of Behaviour

Aggressive: Not honouring other people's rights or boundaries.

Being pushy, attacking, blaming, putting others down, not listening, forcing people, openly deciding for others, giving orders when inappropriate, demanding, own view only valid one, interrupting and leaving no time for others, over-reacting and bulldozing.

I'm OK ...

OK face

... but you're not

Not OK face

Body language: glaring, staring, warning, poking, pointing, slaps on back, clenched teeth, tense, superior, indignant expressions, loud, sharp, threatening.

Giving compliments: avoid giving or grudgingly do so.

Giving criticism: attack all of personality not just specific behaviour, drag up past.

Receiving compliments: demand as right, attack person for not giving sooner.

Receiving criticism: do not accept, whether valid or not, retaliate, not listen, blame someone else.

Submissive: Not honouring own rights and boundaries.

Not saying what: you want/think/ feel, going along with other people's wants, not rocking the boat, waffling, hesitating, agreeing to do things you do not want to do, complaining behind the scenes, putting self down, repeating "I'm sorry/I'm afraid", don't negotiate or do it badly, fail to consider own needs yet be resentful when not getting them met, give up easily when getting a negative response or not: being heard.

... you are

OK face

I'm not OK ...

Not OK face

Body language: avoid eye contact, look up or down, slumped, nervous fiddling, apologetic, hang dog or blank look, nervous smile, quiet or inaudible, strained child-like voice.

Giving compliments: overdo it and inflate other, hold back.

Giving criticism: avoid person, grumble/bitch behind their back.

Receiving compliments: not hear, minimise, become grateful, act as if it is giver who deserves praise.

Receiving criticism: absorb it all valid or not, exaggerate its importance and feed negative self-image. absorb it all valid or not, exaggerate its importance and feed negative self-image.

Manipulative or Passive Aggressive: getting own way by working on other's feelings.

Being two faced, appearing to put others up but in fact putting them down (buttering up), covertly deciding for others, drop hints, make veiled threats, make others feel guilty (emotional blackmail), avoid direct refusal with side tracks and excuses.

I'm OK ...

OK face

...I'll let you think you are

Question mark face

...but you're not

Not OK face

Body language: avoid eye contact, look over nice or over innocent, full of smiles, smiling demolition, being over chummy, patronising touch, appear to listen/care, smarmy or over sweet voice.

Giving compliments: be insincere, patronise, act surprised.

Giving criticism: be sarcastic, make jokey put downs or hints, cite other people's disapproval.

Receiving compliments: make light of them, put credit on to someone else.

Receiving criticism: hint it is someone else's fault, try to make the other withdraw by making them feel bad about it.

Assertive: communicating clearly own needs and boundaries while honouring the rights and boundaries of others.

Stating what you want/think/feel firmly and clearly and calmly, honouring own and others rights, listening to others points of view without necessarily agreeing, standing up, for self, honest, make own decisions and allow others to do the same, being sincere, to the point, deciding what is right for yourself in each situation having considered consequences, sharing and being responsible for own feelings, open to negotiation and compromise.

I'm OK ...

OK face

...you're OK

OK face

Body language: gentle, relaxed, direct gaze, upright, well-balanced posture and appropriate distance, open, firm look and voice, attentive, being at same eye level whenever possible.

Giving compliments: give clear and genuine appreciation.

Giving criticism: challenge others directly and clearly and persist when unheeded.

Receiving compliments: accept and agree if valid, reject if it is a manipulation.

Receiving criticism: accept what is valid and learn from the feedback, reject what is invalid.


[ Donington Training ]


Updated 10th August 2007

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